What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 00:15
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was scared of men, in general
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And i lived it daily.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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But ive been too sick for many years..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I was very sick at this time too.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When she asked me how she looked .
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We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why would my husband cheat on me with an ugly fat woman?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was 9 years of age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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One cannot live in the past .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What did i know ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is soul school!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He knew the spot.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
All the time i was locked up.
Put me off passion for life!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I said to her
Who then, do I blame.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I waited trembling.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She married twice! .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So whats the point in blame.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So, i spoilt her more .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Comes on , in middle age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im still living with it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it wasn’t much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I think the readers, may guess!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I could never make a relationship work though!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She found it foreign!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My life is so biszare .
Would this be the day?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was seconnd youngest,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But, we were locked up after school.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i do to all so called friends.?
My family never makes their pension either.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I write beautiful poetry .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I don,t even have a pension.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I will be 64.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.